First off, I want to make it quite clear that I don’t ultimately fault people who aren’t “out” about their paganness (or queerness, but that’s not what I’m discussing here) because of situations where one may be at a very great risk of losing their job, their home, custody of their children, or a healthy relationship with family members they still want to maintain a healthy, active, and generally friendly relationship with, for whatever reason — no, I don’t blame the pagans/polytheists in those situations because it’s not the pagans who created the very real situations they face. Those situations were created by the society that ultimately favours Christianity, by zealous Christians who’ve made those people’s situations so precarious, and by a judicial system that has a history of only paying lip-service to “separation of church and state” while ultimately favouring Christianity by a very wide margin. I do not blame the many pagans and polytheists who face those situations and are thus reluctant to “come out” — I may not completely understand, and some of those reasons why I will explain in a mo’, but I don’t blame (BIG difference).

That said, there are still many pagans and polytheists who are “out” as such, and doing pretty OK in spite of that. Still, I’d say only maybe a handful of these “out” pagans and polytheists, at best, are rendered “safe” due to relative pre-existing socio-political privilege — most who are “out” about their religions are living below an annual household income of US$35K, many are in poverty, and many are queer. The least-represented out pagans and polytheists in pagan media are non-white, but this does not stop many such pagans from being active in the pagan community on-line and off. Furthermore, in a society that favours people with high-paying jobs, families (including children of one’s own), and lots of friends, ANY pagan or polytheist who “comes out”, just like any GBLT person who does so, even in 2011, is putting themself at risk of losing all of that in addition to facing other discriminations one is not necessarily protected from, in spite of the United $tates and other countries protecting “freedom of religion”.

Outing oneself is not an act of privilege — it is an act of defiance. The primary reason to remain closeted is to protect what relative amount of privilege one may have by doing so: One will save their job, retain custody of children, preserve ties to a family whose love is apparently only conditional, and one absolutely will not put themselves, their family, or their property at risk of death threats, violence, or destruction.

…and yet there are still at least a handful of pagans and polytheists who will kvetsch and whinge about us “privileged” people who have some great luxury by being “out” about our religion. They poo-poo the out and proud and in-your-face about how love for one’s family is about sacrifice and doing things outside of one’s ordinary routine — and apparently they’re the only members of their own family who believe this, because they’re the only ones hiding, sometimes even lying “for love”. In a society that clearly favours those with families, remaining closeted is clearly an act of maintaining the airs of privilege to protect status. If the love of one’s family is so conditional as to be withheld over a difference of religion, I have to admit that while I don’t fault some-one for caving in to the charade, I don’t see the appeal.

I meditated on the difficult decision to come out. I decided I would go ahead and do it. I wrote a letter to my family and friends, explaining my inner turmoil I’d experienced for quite some time. I told them that no matter what faith we had, we were still the same people. I put a lot of heartfelt sentiments in that letter. But I never sent it to anyone, it still resides on my desktop as a shortcut. What I did do was condense the letter into a Facebook update. All of the people in my life who are/were close to me, true friends and family, are with me on Facebook. I was also “friends” with people from former churches, schools, and co-workers. I figured everyone deserved to know. Some knew me as a Christian, but more recent “friends” didn’t really know me as anything.

I think for me, using Facebook as my coming out tool was not only convenient for everyone to see, but it was also safe. There didn’t have to be awkward silences or gazes. There was no trying to fit it into conversation. It just was.

“Today is an important day for me. I’m officially coming out as Pagan. After much soul searching, researching, reading, & deep meditation, I realized not only was my Christian upbringing unfitting for me, but this is what does fit for me. I have been so much happier & spiritually fulfilled since I became true to myself.” This was the carefully written coming out status I wrote. (This was when FB had limited characters for each status).

As soon as I hit the Post button my heart started racing. I was so afraid I was going to lose my family. We have always been a very tight family, and I didn’t want to lose them. I did want everyone to know though. I started to feel sick to my stomach. But then a Pagan friend a minute later commented, then a co-worker commented, shortly followed by another Pagan friend. They were all supportive comments, reassuring me. But my stomach still had butterflies. I drove over to my favorite metaphysical shop to hang out with the owners, who had recently become friends. I began to chill as I talked to them about their openly Pagan lives.

By the time I got home from there I had 6 more positive comments, and only one “what?” and I felt better.

Then I saw my Christian school teacher uncle sign on. He doesn’t have a huge friends list, so I knew my status would be on his newsfeed. But nothing happened. The next month we all got together for my grandma’s birthday and I felt very strange when the family prayed, but nobody tried to say anything to me.

I began openly wearing my pentacle necklace at work. I had a few people ask me questions about it, and a few people who actually were like-minded. One co-worker saw it, stopped, looked at me, and said, “Blessed Be?” and I looked back at him and smiled, and returned the greeting. He has not come out yet, but he said seeing me being able to be open gave him more confidence. It also gave me a great friend who I otherwise wouldn’t have connected with. I also met some customers who were like-minded. I only recall 2 people who reacted negatively, but I never got anyone crazy.

My mom has made a few jokes about it to me, so that tells me she is not only ok with it, but she loves me no matter what. My grandparents are the only people I’m not open with, because my grandma has Alzheimer’s and I know it would only upset her. I feel in that case it only could cause harm, so I don’t wear anything around her, or talk about anything Pagan related around her.
Currently in my life I’m past the awe and wonder stage. I rarely even think of my pentacle necklace (which only comes off when I have an MRI or if I’m changing pendants) now. I’m not as “in your face” about it as I was initially. I let it go inside my shirt, but if it comes out that’s fine. I have a new job in the community in public service. I have not taken steps either way to be out or closeted. But at the same time, nobody there is proselytizing or wearing a crucifix, cross, star of David, or anything. I see myself now as open, but I don’t feel I have to say something to everyone.

When people who already know you as a good person, a reliable employee, a trusting friend, they probably won’t change their opinion much of you just because you are Pagan. I did have 2 people un-friend me on Facebook, but they were old church friends. Those who want to leave your life because of your beliefs are not really friends to begin with.

If you are coming out, please know there are many Pagans and Pagan-friendly folks who support you and are sending positive energy for you. Blessed Be.

-Katie Suchan

Star Foster, Pagan Portal Manager of Patheos

Coming out is complex and ongoing. Coming out to my family and friends wasn’t very traumatic. There’s no real story there. Yet now that I am more publicly Pagan than I have ever been before I feel the stresses and strains of being out more keenly.

I assume people won’t understand and so I give them water-down answers about my religion. A co-worker asked me last fall whether my blessing for a meal would just be thanking Mother Nature and I said yes and left it at that, a one-dimensional view of my faith. In truth I would bless the hands that made the meal, the ancestors for their blessings and the Gods for their bounty. Sitting in a meeting at my multi-faith company I found myself sitting with my hand covering the word “Witchcraft” on the book I was holding. Though I was in the safest of places I subconsciously felt the need to conceal the true nature of what I was reading. Apparently I have trouble opening up to people of other faiths even in a safe environment of understanding. This troubles me.

Nowadays it’s not as easy to be discreet, particularly in business matters. I recently had a bad interaction with a company I have worked with productively for years and I can’t help but wonder if it’s partly because now my job title contains the word “Pagan”. It makes me wonder if my reluctance to be more open isn’t justified?

Despite my occasional misgivings, every morning I wake up and choose to be openly Pagan. I am Pagan today because of the people who went before me who chose to be openly Pagan. Maybe the next generations won’t have to worry about the concept of “coming out” simply because folks like me chose to be out. That alone makes any discomfort or difficulty worth it for me. While I won’t be “coming out” on May 2nd, I do intend to celebrate that day by consciously choosing to be more open, less reserved and more passionate about my faith. When I speak to people of other faiths they should not see a stereotype confirmed in me, but a Pagan soul on fire!
Star Foster is Managing Editor of the Pagan portal at Patheos.com, and a Southern Witch.